The Risk to Remain Tight in a Blossom
Well, here we are. It’s that time of year where so many of us look back and reflect on the year behind us and set intentions and our focus for the one to come. I’m 100% one of those people, and my reflection time started something like a few weeks ago.
It’s been a weird time. I mean, if we’re honest, I’d say I’ve been in a funk. Creative, expressive, communicative, focus, clarity, drive, ambition, all of it. All of it just… stalled. And it’s weird because there were high points in this past year when I felt more creative and inspired than I had in a very, very long time. Things in my life felt aligned. It felt as if I’d found depth, clarity, and purpose to just about everything.
It was if it almost evaporated, and I’ve just about let go of trying to figure out why or what shifted. The past few weeks have been spent more leaning into the discomfort. Acknowledging that I have felt stuck. That my creativity and passion and ambition feels stalled. That my growth feels stunted. I settled into it a little. Not in a way that I would stay there, just in such a way that I acknowledged those feelings and just decided I’d… rest.
I’m coming through it (I think. I hope?) as little sparks of inspiration are starting to form again and my motivation to do the things that cultivates that emotional endurance and creative spark is returning. In the first half of the year, I was fiercely committed to a whole bunch of self-care practices that put me in one of the best mental places of recent years (despite the political dumpster fire we have been enduring/suffering this year). I felt like, for the first time in awhile, I had the mental and emotional fortitude to move forward.
I blamed the stuck, stalled, and stunted feelings on a number of things: changing jobs and the subsequent overhaul of my routine, financial stress, other stress, too much information, too many options, no space, too much space.
And sure, those things can all contribute, but I also spent the entire first half of the year learning how to build myself into a foundation that supported me through those things. What’s comforting is that I now know better than ever how to come back to that place, even if I don’t always put The Things I Know About Being a Healthy and Happy Adult into place.
That’s where I’m at now. Looking at all of those Things I Know and integrating them back into my life. Going back to the gym, where the outlet for adrenaline means I experience an alarmingly low amount of anxiety on a day-to-day basis, where the connection between mind and body is so strong that the ideas and inspiration overflows right out of my heart, and where I remember just how capable I am at Doing Hard Things.
Getting back into writing, even when I “don’t have anything to say,” which, to be honest – is exactly how I felt when I started writing this post. I just told myself to say things that are true and the words would come.
Evaluating longer term goals, like spending more time with family, nurturing new and old friendships in much bigger ways, discovering what I need and want out of romantic relationships, honing my home-cook skills, and really considering what kind of business I want to build when it comes time to take this health coaching education and turn it into something real and tangible.
So, in a nutshell – I’m looking back over the course of the past year and I’m seeing an incredible amount of growth. Even despite the current status of feeling a little stuck, I’ve made so much progress that I know now better than ever before what it takes to get me [quickly, even] right back on track. And that gives me peace.
As I look back on the past year and I think about the next one, I’ve already started to formulate a few intentions. They’re still forming, but the jist is that I need, want, and crave saying yes to new experiences, hobbies, learning, activities. I spent a lot of time this last year learning how to move from surviving to thriving, and it’s in this next year that I intend to fully grow into that.
I’ll get into big and small self thoughts another time, but I feel like 2017 was the year I reached peak small self (as in, outgrew it), and 2018 will be the year I burst right through it. There’s a lot of fear that comes with that, but,
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~ Anais Nin
And such sets the tone for me as I close out 2017 and get ready to move into 2018.